The "F" Word

"Hey... Jake, Its Ava, whats up?.." This by far was the hardest thing I'd done in the past few days.
"Uh not bad... you?" He asked, sounding a bit dissapointed. Or maybe just annoyed that I hadnt called in awhile.. "I sent you a mail and... then didnt hear from you..." He added. Yeah, I'd say annoyed.
"I know, and I'm sorry... things have been a bit messy, I just got your mail and I'm calling you now.. Sorry," He had every right to be annoyed I guess. I should have gotten back earlier... He really helped me alot, and still always is willing to do it.
"Dont worry its okay... so tell me how's things with you?" Jake asked, changing the topic along with the tone of his voice. Hows things with me? Things were... fine I guess...
"All good.. you sound a bit upset Jake..." Which he did. He still had this slight upset tone in his voice. I wonder what was wrong, or maybe he was
just tired. It was a friday afternoon, end of 1st week, we were all very tired.
"Nah I'm ok... just a lot of work." I believed him... and even if it was something, if he didnt want to talk about it - I wasnt about to force him to do it.
"Hey Jake... what would.. you say a Fling is?" I asked, breaking thesilence.
"Fling? I dunno... Umm.. how come?" he asked, his voice getting deeper.
"Just wondering, curiosity I guess... so, tell me, what do you think it is?" I insisted.
"Your worrying me... Are you sure your ok? Why're you asking?" From a deep voice, it turned into a worried deep voice... he probably thinks I'm doing something wrong that might hurt me knowing him... but I'm not...
"No its just.. I'm only wondering, don't you think its a bit disgraceful?" I asked, now even more confused.
"mmm... I guess..." I hate it how people can do that... go from laid-back to worried to ignorent.
"Its just, I feel like all I'll ever be is a fling to people... you know? Never more... everybody wants to be with me... but never more then a fling. Im like the fling girl, and the worst part is, I cant just be with someone and forget all about it..." I explained, waiting for him to say something...
anything... anytime now he was going to say that wasnt true... but he
didnt...
"Uh" I could feel the hesitation in his voice. "Maybe, I dont know... Umm, can we talk later?" He asked, finally. "I'm at work and this just... isnt an appropriate topic right now."
"Sure" I whispered as my eyes got watery and hung up. Can we talk later??? Isnt he helpful! Did anyone even care that I was feeling like shit? I felt low and sick... and he has no idea what to say to that...

I couldnt help but wonder if the reason behind that was... the fact that we had a history... could that be it? But we've known each other for so long... over 2 years now and I know he's liked me since but we were only ever friends... because we cant be any more and... just one day... for a single day I let myself follow my heart and here is where I am today... sure, you wouldnt call it a fling but we surely had something that day... and even though we've continued to stay friends after it, and I've never really had such feelings for him... I cant help but wonder why he ever became friends with me... why did any guy ever talk to me? Why is it that every guy that is the slightest bit nice to me, always wnats something for it? Jake only ever wanted me for one reason... and still hopes it will happen again - yeah right... I wonder why Alex went for a movie with me and talked to me all nights every night and wanted 'chemistry' between us but when I refused, we stopped meeting... or Daren... What about Sameul... he talked to me for months and would always act extra nice and call me all the time and when I said that I only liked him as a friend... he didnt want to talk anymore... and shockingly, none of them wanted a relationship... not one... not a 'proper' one anyway... all they wanted was a short term fling with no strings attatched..

"Fuckin' whore!" I said out loud and whiped the tear before it came down to my cheek. I looked up in the mirror infront of me. "Face it... you'll only just ever be a pretty face... your the girl every guy wants to take out for the night, not the girl they want to bring home after or have a chat to..." I said to myself, still looking in the mirror. I wish I didnt look the way I did, I wish I looked different and was nicer that way the guys who did like me, atleast I'd know its for who I am and not what I look like... as for now most of them just think Im some snobby hot bitch. How sad is that?! "Very..." Now I was talking to myself... ugh, I cant believe I'm even doing this. I have an English EGK test in less then an hour and Im sitting here crying. As if. I should probably be worried about the test... but I'm not... well, In a way, but not much. 1st week back, last day of the week, they sure know how to ruin somebody's Friday! Atleast its not on Monday, or the weekend gets crappy.

Its only an EGK test though... which stands for Easy General Knowledge... which isnt what its actualy called, its just what we named it because the only stuff they ask us in there are our future plans, and give us like a sentence and ask us to do a creative writting piece on it. Or a political topic... last year they asked us questions about our families and our future, then made us argue a topic in History or Polotics and as usual, a creative writting piece... there were also a few GK questions. So I guess that isnt too bad... I mean, my GK is fine, so I'm not as stressed as I probably should be.

'you can call me when you feel appropriate - Ava xo

I sent it to Jake's mobile and decieded to go sit in the library for awhile, go through some books before the test... then I'm done for the day.

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When did WW1 start and finish, and what was the main concern in the following those years?

Was the last question in the Polotical/Historical questions... I'd just answered 19 of them... stupid ones. Some about Hitler and the natzi's, there was something about Gandhi and random ones about USA for some reason... and the last one was just as stupid, but I bit more long... I found these so boring and easy. I dont even see the point of them. I knew the WW1 was from 1914 - 1918, I dont think there was anyone who didnt know... as History is a compulsory subject in Highschool and we've all obviously passed year 12, so we should all know that... and as for the concern, obviously, things like depression. They knew that would defenately be a worry once the war was over... and it did happen. There's a quote I really like, a bit religous but makes sence thinking back at the message it gives...

"We're not making a sacrifice, Jesus, you've seen this war. We are the sacrifice."

If I botthered to put that in, these people would give me full marks for being a bit thoughtful... these things are so easy to get through. You dont even have to have a brain for it. I know that over 8 million men died in those 4 years of war, and there was a colapse of three empires. It was Germany, Austro-Hungary and Russia. After such an industrial war, what did they expect if they didnt expect depression as a side effect. People all around the world were dying, and families were colapsing. Just the thought of it makes me sick. Sort of glad to be born after its over, but the fact that the world today isnt any better just confuses me.

Write a creative piece, about a particular word starting from the alphabet F.

(The creative piece may be handed in as a Diary note, a discussion, story, essay or any other creative way of writting chosen by the students.)

Hmm... F? What can i write? Festivals... flowers... foam... fax... I tried my best to push the thought aside. Fence? I couldnt help but think about that one word... I guess it wouldnt hurt to write on it... would it?

Dear diary,
Fling;
Does that word ring a bell? I bet it does... we've all thought about it once. Maybe not used that word for it but defenatelly given it a thought. So my question is, what is a Fling? Is it a short term relationship with no strings attatched? Is that a good thing? Or is it too subjective? I wish I knew exactely the answer to this... but I personaly think a Fling is 'Timepas'... wouldnt you say 'Timepas' is something you do only for awhile, with no promises or expectations attatched because your only passing your time while you wait for what your really looking forward to... so is it a good thing? Being somebody's Timepas? I dont think so... because then your just being used.. your like the thing they keep for a time being while they wait for the real thing they want... till then, your theirs... with you having absalutly no right to question or expect anything.

What if thats all you've ever been all life? Maybe not all... because we certainly come across amazing people who want more then just a fling, and people that want to have your friendship... but alot of the times thats not it. How are you supose to react to that? Specially if you really really like the other person and you dont want to ruin what you have with them... I think its sad, being a fling. I find it absalutly disgraceful, digrading and beneath me. Because I would hate to be treated like that... to be with someone secreatly while they dont have someone... and when they do, your just the same old person again... and you cant feel bad or be hurt or even expect things to not be like that. I mean, that IS a fling. So if you know that your getting into one, you really dont have the right to try and act like its a real thing.

Even the word Affair sounds better then a fling. It sounds cheap and low. Like a secret hook up thats just been stretched out for a longer then usual time. You'll always be the girl that's being kissed and pampered in private where no one can see you... like its a crime or that you dont deserve to be treated that way in public... and the 'girlfriend' gets the real thing. The one where everybody knows your 'together' and your there with them... you get that respect and not just a hook up in the dark where no body can see you because its 'wrong'. A guy wouldnt ever take his girlfriend to a motel room for a few hours and lie to his friends... but he would with his 'fling'... so basically, you are the 'other girl'... I know there isnt a girlfriend there but, he's waiting for it... and your jus the 'other girl' no body will ever know about and one day it will be over when the 'right one' comes along...

Sure, people do it all the time... when they both feel that way... but what if you really like the person alot and dont want to be treated like a 'fling'... but you cant exactely be with them either for several reasons... do you just continue being only good friends or do you let things go the other way for the time being... and go with the flow? The problem with that is, before you get into anything, you just have to tell yourself it will be over sooner or later because your the timepas, the girl that isnt respected in those ways and the one who has no right to expect for something... and If your ready for that kind of 'fun'... then I guess it's not up to someone else to deciede if its right or not... But if your not, then you just need to give it a thought... as much as you would love to spend that sort of time with the guy, have him to yourself and have endless hours alone together... would you rather that and be over one day, or stay just a friend? I think its the toughest decision... because most of us think 'whatever happens will happen... i'll prepare myself for it and I'll be fine... we'll see then...' and then, when it does happen - it hurts... So as I asked earlier, Is it a good thing, or a bad thing? and should it really not hurt, to just be somebody's Fling? If only I had the right answer..

Will write in more in some other entry,
Ava

"Three more minutes and I need these handed in... so please write your names on each sheet." Said Mr.Sperri from the front of the room as I looked up at the Clock. Three minutes to 3.00pm. I folded my answer sheet and put all my stuff together. I finished three minutes early, damn, that must be a record. Usualy, even though I know most of the answers and I can finish about 20 minutes early, I like to stall around them and think of all the possible things and make the answers a lot bigger then needed, so finishing before time is defenately a new thing.

Dot at 3.00pm, there was a long bell and all the papers were collected... I couldnt be anymore glad to leave that room. Thats some luck, of all the alpabets, the one they had to give was F... So what if Jake didnt think listning to me was important, I guess I could just write to the damn teachers and bore them about it!

Where are you? I thought you wanted to meet the girls... so you could make more friends over here... their in the Rehersel Room.. if you want I can come there n introduce you all.. their sweet, ul fit right in trust me. How was test? WB, Andre

He's a really nice guy I met in lectures... and I've come across him since some where or the other... and he keeps asking me to meet the girls in his group, cause I might like them and I'd fit in... and I really wouldnt mind that, but right now I'm not in the mood... He said it would have been better if I'd met them, that way I could come to play pool with them tonight, and I'd know everyone by then... sure, I could do with some cheering up right now but... I cant help but feel a bit strange about it. I dont really want to go, not today... for all you know, Andre just wants a fling with me too! I mean, why else would a 'guy' want to talk to Ava? She couldnt possibly be interesting enough to be friends or something more serious with!

Thankz Andre...maybe another time. I feel tired & im workin tonite..thankz for offering though..I wud realy love 2 meet them sumtym soon..Test was OK,just going back to room.. you take care & c u over the weekend. xo Ava

I hope he doesnt mind... I feel a bit bad, but I really dont feel well... not after this test and writting oh so much! Maybe I think too much... I know its what my best friend Emma would say if she was here, "Stop stressing.. you think a biiiitttt too much!" and she's right, I do... and I might have not in another situation.. as I didnt put so much thought into it all the other times someone asked me. Either I just went for it or I said no. But it was different this time... different because no one had ever used the word Fling before... and when I went to think about it... I realised its what most guys think of me as... and to know that someone so amazing that you actualy would want to be with wants you to be their 'fling' just because you cant have anything more just makes your selfesteem go down to -1 ! I hate thinking about it... I wish he'd used a different word... maybe tried another way... or maybe that I hadnt liked him so much.. but 'no expectations or strings attatched'? Man, I'm in for a tough time if I go with my heart.. Because I know I'll end up doing that... I know I'd give anything for maybe just a little while with him alone. Even if it meant I sooner or later I'd be replaced by someone a lot better and meaningful.

Is that Lust? Or is it just pure insanity? To want to spend a small amount of time with a guy even though you know it will be over and you'll be very hurt...I'd say its just pulling of an Ava... lets not forget, for most people I have been only the short term girl... and the very few who ever wanted a bit more were unintentionally pushed away.

I opened the freezer and took out the rum n raisens Ice cream box with 2 Mars Bars, a big red spoon, Dorito's Corn chips and my all time favourite movie, Breakfast At Tiffinies... just incase nothing else good was on TV. Wow, what a great way to spend a Friday night, with a bunch of junk food and dvd's... god, thats like the typical after a break up night... except, it involves of girlfriends coming over. Which I hadnt made here yet... So, this Friday, I'd have to make it on my own... maybe with the help of a beer or two aswell.

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