El amante ...

whats up with Riley?

xo

I dont know... been a bit weird hasnt she?

too weird... do you know if her and Adi? She seems a bit low...

Maybe they had a fight... again... who knows?

hmmm... I finish class in about 20 minutes, I think I'll go over her

appartment and talk to her.

Alright, should we come there around 5? wait, we still

going shopping?

Yeah defenately! see ya then... my Art teachers going nuts I

gotta get this assignment in.

Later

Hey Nat! Dont forget to get petrol... cya

yup! Cya xo

xo

It was 20 minutes to 3pm... and then I'm done for the day... well, only done with classes. I gotta go see whats going on with Riley and Adi, she seem's damn upset. Then we have to go shopping, and according to my daily planner, I had to call mum which I've done and I really need to get some work done.... oh wait, before I lose track and start talking about everything in the world... Let me talk about Adi

[So his name is Amador, which is a Spanish name... it means lover! How romantic is that? I know, everytime I tell a girl she just takes a deep breath and a wow with dreamy eyes at the thought of him being Spanish.... but he isnt spanish. His mum's best friend was and she loved his name, Amador, so she called him that... he has no history of spanish people in his family... his last name being Lévesque, which is French! His grandfather was french... his dad's Arabic and his mum's Muslim... he was born in France and baught up in England... Interesting guy isnt he? Spanish name, french last name... and none of his parents are from that back ground! He can speak fluently in Spanish though, and is so-so in french... Andre and him try and have a conversation but Amador doesnt understand it entirly. Now your wondering why we call him Adi? Well, because he really likes the name Adi, which comes from Hinduism... it means 'the beggining'... Riley is half Indian, and one of the movies they saw together had a guy in it who was much like Amador, and he really liked that movie and the name Adi so we casually started calling him that... and now everyones just so use to it. Riley and Adi have been together for awhile, and he really... really loves her alot. And I mean loves her to death... its damn sweet... but, its long distance! He lives in England... and he comes here every now and then to see her and thats when things are perfectly fine but when their in different countries they never get along and fight almost everyday, the worst part is - it puts Riley through absalute hell. She doesnt study doesnt do anything and just mopes. Being her friend, I cant see that.... so I try and change it whenever I can. They've broken up a million times but never been able to stay apart.... the last time she mentioned him was about a week ago, when they had an argument, and since then there has been no mention and she's been pritty low.... hence, I'm going over in... well, now seeing its 3.00pm already! So thats Adi... he's a Medicen student in UK, I know... can you say Conner?? French name, mums muslim dads Arabic, baught up in UK... both doing Medicen! I think their the same age too...lol, but they look quiet different.... and act different too. Anyway, I hope that helps. I gotta run now, go see Riley!]

---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ----

"So whats happening?" Riley asked sounding confused. "I mean if your leaving then how will you be at the wedding?"

"I'm not leaving the coming up weekend... because that's the party and the weekend after that is the wedding... but, 2 weeks from now we have a long weekend, so I'm going back home then because mum's in Adelaide to see Rehan and I havnt seen her for awhile... so I'm going back there for 4-5 days, which means I might just miss Monday that week.." I explained. I'm a bit excited! Seeing Rehan after awhile too... we talk on the phone but havnt seen him for quiet a few months. As for mum, it must have been about 6-7 months! Alot more... so this trip might turn out good. Nani's here too, she would be happy to see me...

"Ah alright..." She replied quitely. Like nothing mattered. She was staring into space, sitting on her couch with a quilt over her. Either she hadnt been to her lectures today or she'd finished early and come back to sit in silence with alot of chocolate. Such a Riley thing to do. All you have to do is give her some chocolate, and she'll just sit here... without a word. Specially when she's upset!

"Come on spill it out, whats going on?" I asked sitting down on the couch opposite her and picking up the little teddy bear lying on the table next to me. Cosy. I think it's from Adi... awhile back. " And dont say its nothing... that wont work with me!" I added before she said something.

"A week back..." She started with a deep breath. "Well we were both quiet busy right... me with Uni and him with working to come here and I had so many things going on, as you know.... and the time difference is big... so we couldnt talk properly, but we sms'd each other a few times every day to keep in touch.... I liked it, I thought it was cute... Infact I liked it more then chatting because I could just read his msgs even when I wasnt home and feel like I've just talked to him... the sms's meant so much more to me because it felt like he took time out from what he was doing to send it to me.... where as when we're chatting we're both on the computer.. you know, whats the big deal? we're both chatting to each other .... but when he sms's me it just... makes me smile... because he's taken a minute out of what he's doing just to write to me and it means even when he's doing other things he's thinking about me... i liked it... I felt like I could keep in contact with him without being glued to my damn computer... you know, like I can talk to him if Im at the gym, or if I'm at work or studying, in class.. out with you guys... anytime.. so its almost like he's close to me... where as on the computer... I talk to him when I'm isolated by everything else and just on a PC chatting... I can feel the distance in that...." She said and paused, waiting for me to say something....

I kind of got what she meant but didnt know what to say in return, i mean... what was the problem?

"But yeah anyway so I called him once because I was missing him and he was out and I felt a bit bad... but got over it quick and we decieded we'd talk the next morning when he woke up..... that's the day you guys wanted to go to the show and dragged me along.... I was meant to talk to him at that time... which didnt happen because I was at the show! I felt damn bad.... but I also hoped he wouldnt get too angry at me.. so I kept msging him... saying sorry... thinking that might matter.. turns out apologising so much made it worst.. and he wasnt replying to my msgs so I came home..."

"THAT'S why you got Nat to drive you back early!" I said, finally realising how long this had been going on for. "You didnt stay... because you wanted to come home that day.... you should have stayed we had fun..."

"mmm... I just couldnt... I couldnt stop thinking about him. You know how hard it is to go out and have fun knowing he's not happy with me? I just cant do it... So i came back home and told him I'm home... and I told him I came back early... which made him get even more angry at me and he was quiet rude... he sent me an sms saying read my lips I dont give a shit etc' and it just... hurt... you know what I mean? Like you try so much to make things better, and then when he's angry he gets so rude that it makes me realise he has no respect for me... just because he's talked to me that way in the past and we've been mean to each other... he's never going to respect me again... take another guy for an example, someone that's liked me... no mentioning names but because him and I dont have any sort of history and shit he knows his limits... whatever I do he knows he has no right to say something hurtful or talk to me rudely because then I wouldnt talk to him anymore.... where as Adi he just... he knows I cant leave him... and he knows I've always ignored this sort of behaviour of his so he does it all the time... But yeah so after that sms I was so hurt that I didnt talk to him at all..."

She said and closed her eyes as soon as a tear fell. Aww...

"You know what your problem is Rilz?" I said, shifting on the couch to sit up and ready to talk to her. "I'm going to be compleatly honest with you... you let people use you... you let them think they have the right to use you and get away with it. you give them the right to hurt you... wether thats Adi or someone who likes you or anybody else... you need to set your limits and the moment they cross that its over... but its too late to do that now, specially with these people that you've known for long.... but for future relationships... such as Adi... when you once tell him that its over, it means its over. not I'll take him back once again because that just means you let him think he can do whatever he likes to you and you'll take him back eventually. Or when someone crosses the line and you say its their last chance ... make sure its their last chance.... and not give them 20 more after that because then they will never respect you... you get treated this way because they know they can hurt you. they know Riley wont kick them out of her life what so ever!" I said... "And you really wont..."

There was a long pause... a big gap of silence between us while she had her eyes closed and I stared right at her, waiting for her to talk... say something, anything.

"I called him yesterday..." She whispered... "And I know what your saying is true... but, I dont know what I can do about it anymore... I called him even though I was so hurt my his sms and had decieded I wouldnt talk to him... I even asked Jon, his friend how he was and sms'd his mum asking if he was doing okay and then finally called him and said that if its about taking the 1st step I'm ready to do so..." She said, her voice getting heavyer with every word she took.

"And what'd he say?" I asked.

"He acted like everything was fine and he was just really busy so he hadnt been msging because he didnt think about it.... so I asked him to cut it out and be honest... and he did, that he was pissed off that I came back from the Show so he sent that sms to me... and he had every right to... Its just, Rose... he said that I always make him feel like I've given things up for him... I didnt do my dance for him I missed the show because of him I miss classes because of him I dont go out with friends because of him but... ugh, I dont tell him because I'm blaming him for it!! I tell him because I love him, and I need him to see that I came back because I couldnt stand being at a place knowing things between us arnt okay and I know they werent okay no matter how much he deny's it.... and so I didnt stay there. I couldnt. Because I love him and how things are between us affects me!! and he just thinks its all bullshit, and that I keep blaming him." I picked up a piece of chocolate from under the table and handed it to her and took one myself. "I told him after that to forget it and I'm sorry I tried... and I was so sick of trying I just didnt know what to say.. In the middle of the Library sitting there I had given up, so I hung up... then I get an sms, him telling me to show my tantrums to somebody else because he doesnt have the time of the day for it!" and she burst into tears.... ow... I walked over and hugged her, let her have the bear. She wouldnt stop... her tears were making my eyes wattery. I've only ever seen Rilz this upset when Adi and her fight... and I hate it. I hate him for making her like this... and I hate her for being with him! I hate myself too, for not being able to do what a good friend does.... make her feel better. Her face had gone a redish colour and her lips went dry, thats how much she'd cried... and she still couldnt stop.

"I dont know what.. to do.. it hurts ... " She whispered between sobs. "I can't seem to ever make things better... I cant spend my life with him.."

"Do you love him?" I asked, pushing her hair to one side off her face. Tips of her hair had become wet from her tears, I pushed them right at the back so they'd stay there. Riley nodded, as another tear rolled down her cheak.

"I love him very much... but the amount of pain I feel right now is much stronger then the love I have for him... which is what I've been trying to explain to him for months! That this relationship cant work if this is how I become every 2 days... how am I meant to remember the good days when I spend my week like this?" I wasnt sure if that was a question... I could barely hear her between the sobs. I didnt know what to do to make her stop... a hug didnt help, neither did the teddybear or chocolates or the lecture.... Only one person could stop her from feeling this way, and that's Adi... the same person who always does it to her.

"Leave him..." I said, after giving it a long thought. I wanted to say it before but wasnt sure if I should... as much as I think he loves her like crazy, at the same time he hurts her much more...

"I cant... I cant leave him... and the worse part is, he knows it too." She replied, nodding her head and squinting her eyes which made her tears much more visible. "I've said its over way too many times before... I dont want to do it again, because I know I'll take him back."

"Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you always take him back??" I asked, a bit irritated.

I'd reached the stage where I wanted to know her reasons for doing certain things. Why did she have to put up with this crap? day after day listen to him be rude? Fine he's working alot for her and saving up for her, maybe he loves her too but that is no damn excuse for him to act so rude towards her! If Conner ever even dreamed of talking to me in such a way I'd ask him to leave... some things should be made very clear in a relationship... and no matter who's at fault, you dont raise your voice or send messages like Go give your tantrums to someone else or go fuck someone or I'm sick of your crap... it just isnt done!

"Because he needs me... he really needs me. I'm all he has Rose. I love him too much to just leave him like this... I guess I'll always be here... even if he doesnt talk to me for another month or randomly calls up.. or if he's rude... I'll just... be here for him... there's nothing else I can do.. eventually I'll stop reacting to the things he does or says... but I cant leave him..." She said, picking up the box of Klenex Tissues from the table. "Sometimes I just want to tell him there's nothing left in us worth fighting. There is no respect no trust and nothing worth while here so just go away.... but I cant do that, because it never last's... I always end up with him again. If it isnt him begging to have him back, then it's me calling him every night saying I'm sorry... some way or the other we end up together... so rather then losing any amount of respect I have left by dumping him again even tho I'll take him back, I might as well deal with it.... I know things will be perfect when he comes... but... Its much harder dealing with these days..." she had a point there. I could see she wasnt in the best of states right now.

"Your punishing yourself..." I said softly, picking up another tissue from the box.

"maybe... maybe I'm punishing him... or maybe I'm just insane and I cant make my own decisions... maybe I've given up... maybe I'm fed up of trying.. maybe I just wish he would respect me for who I am and not treat me like dirt... maybe he'll realise some day that I love him... maybe somehow he'll see that calling me sweet names or telling me what I mean to him is not love... maybe he'll understand me someday..." Riley said, digging her face in her in her lap and hiding her head with her arms wrapped over them as she cried...

"Too many Maybe's babe..."

"It's all I have... I cant do much more then hope he'll understand someday... hope I wont be always abused and treated so badly... what love is that... talking to me like he's doing me a favour being in my life..." I could hear her clearer with her head in her lap then her head up high.. "I wrote a poem.. for him.. its called Maybe aswell..." She said, and pointed at a book near the book shelf above the TV. A poem? How cute... it's all rubbing off! Conner's doing.. my sweetheart... he'd always write for me.. till then everybody thought it was gay and cheezy and then I thought it was damn adorable and all these girls wanted their guys to do it so they all tried but failed misrably... i mean come on, not everybody can be Conner can they, perfect and amazing... so charming and cute and romantic!

I picked up the book and opened it to the page with the pen.

Maybe..
torn heart and stare the night away,
feelingless with nothing left to say,
the empty road with darkness in my heart;
waiting for you right from the start.

Maybe today you'll come with this rain,
Maybe your touch will keep me from going
insane;
Maybe tomorrow I'll wait once again,
Maybe your voice will take away the pain.

Whats left of me is who you are,
everything i've given you has left a scar,
may day, may night, may the stars tomorrow,
I'll give you whats mine and take your sorrow.

Maybe the gods will bring you here,
maybe my cries tonight you'll hear,
Maybe my prayers will make you survive,
I'd just die happy, knowing your alive ...

Thats... so sweet... I cant believe she wrote that... hell, I had no idea Riley liked writting!! Or that she was good at it... she's so going to be writting for the Magazine... as for this, this is just so amazing. So cute. I wonder if Adi has read it. "Rilz... has he seen this?" I asked, closing the book.
"No... whats the point anyway," She said and shrugged, then got out of her couch and walked over to the book shelf.
"Have you talked to him since yesterday?" I asked.
"Yeah, he sent me an sms whishing me happy anniversery just awhile ago..." Her voice had become different, like it is when you have a cold. She sounded like she'd had a cold for god knows how many months... and her nose was all red along with her eyes... I hate it when Riley does this to herself, which is everytime she fights with Adi!
"And what did you say in return?"
"I said happy anniversty in return... glad to see he remembered it and that I love him alot..." She replied without any emotion what so ever. "I mean, a bit irritated that a part of why I called him was because I wanted to wish him as it was past 12 but then we couldnt work anything out... and then today he wishes me..."
"What? but why would you say Happy Anniversery Back?!" I asked, realising maybe she was compleatly nuts! I mean, she not only says she's insane but she really is! Why would you reply saying I love you after a guy tells you to show your tantrums to others because he doesnt have the time for it and doesnt need your crap? "Gosh Riley! Your heights! Why dont you just write I'm a Door Matt' all over yourself! This is unbelievable... he treats you like that and you go back to him like nothings wrong?"
"What am I meant to do?!" She turned around and screamed. "Make another shit attempt at living without him? Why?" Her voice was loud and it broke. She was going to lose her voice... but saying something to her right now would be pointless... She's stubborn, just like me.
"Everybody keeps saying he loves me or I should leave him! Easier said then done! I love him! And yeah if that means taking shit for it then fine I guess I'll just get use to sobbing everynight!" Riley said and kneeled down on the floor, finally out of words to speak... "I'll live... If this is how my life's going to be, then fine... not all of us find true love and yet live happily..." She whispered, "I'm his for as long as he wants me to be..." Her eyes shined like clear marble, I watched a single tear fall to the ground as she tried her best to keep herself from crying... I was about to cry... It makes me wonder, the times I've taken Conner forgranted... makes me realise how lucky I am, and how lucky he is... I want to do all I can to make her feel better... Adi and her look so amazing together.. why the misunderstanding? Why cant two people in love understand each other just because their far? Long distance does this to people... but why? I wish it didnt...
"Rilz, come on get up," I said trying to change the subject. "I'm sorry I was a bit harsh just then I just... cant see you like this... you love him so much.. he loves you so much.. this just isnt necessery..." I explained, picking up the pieces of paper she dropped when she sat down on her knees...

I made sure Riley went and washed her face and changed her clothes. There was no way she was going to stay here while we went shopping! As soon as she came out of the bathroom Nat entered. Things were slightly better... well, Rilz still looked the same, like she'd just been crying for days... I swear you'd think she lost her mother or something! And I still felt shit for not being able to help her... but she wasnt crying at the moment, so that's an achievement!

"Hey .. you look fresh!" Nat said sarcastically. "Infact, better then ever! I love the new look!" I looked over at Riley as she slightly smilled. I love it how Nat does that... she has the talently to bluntly, rudly,very damn sarcastically say the truth, and yet, it makes you smile at the thought... just the way she says it... I love her for it! Atleast it made Riley smile.. even if it was just for a mili second.
"Oh my god, Riley! That mega box of Chocolates. Wasnt it 2 boxes at the price of one?? You've already finished the 1st box and 80% of the 2nd one too!!" Nat said, suprised, pointing down at the empty boxes.
"I finished it in two weeks!! I ate the 1st one last week!" Riley replied, trying to make it sound okay.
"But, didnt you have that box yesterday when we were on the phone?" I asked. I was pritty sure she said she was eating them when we were talking....
"Yeah... thats last week isnt it? Today's Monday..." Riley said like that made compleat sense. Nat and I exchanged a look and smilled.
"Sure it does Rilz... sure..." I said and laughed. I love it how things just change, the atmosphere compleatly changes just as Nat walks in...
"You guys ready for Shopping?" Asked Maria, popping out of no where at the front door. "I just - Oh, Rilz.. hey... you look.. are you okay?" Maria suddenly went from cheerful to worried... uh oh.. not now!
"Yea..." Riley said under her breath and smilled, then turned away. Ow...
"Lets go..." I said, picking up my bag. It was 5.10pm.. Shopping.. god, how much I hope it will cheer her up... not every girl gets the opportunity to have a JP designed dress for free... but not every girl is so head over heels over a guy like she is either... Rilz... when will people ever realise... that she really isnt what she seems to be... the unspoken unsaid blunt Riley is just a disguise, to stop her from hurting herself..